March 8, 2014

Vegan v. Bacon

I have a friend who is the epitome of a positive lifestyle.  He boxes, in great shape, very environmentally sensitive and quite zen. He claims to love everybody, and I think he actually both means it and does.  It's fascinating.

Anyway, I adore this guy-- everybody does.  Yet sadly, he's a Vegan.  And he lets us know it.  (I seem to recall that he THINKS he's quite subtle.  That makes it doubly bad.)  

But I do not shy from a battle!  ...even one where I obviously do NOT have the moral high ground, by any stretch of the imagination.  

For those of you familiar with the movie Scott Pilgrim Versus The World, you know the stakes are high.  Vegans get Vegan Edge, just as portrayed (100% accurately) in said movie and documented by many reputable scientific studies (including here, here and here).

In this movie, the protagonist has to fight a  bad-guy Vegan, and it gives said baddie psychic powers.  The enemy's girlfriend actually SAYS what all non-Vegans think/fear:   "Being Vegan just means that you're better than most people."  The enemy Vegan in the movie adds "Bingo", his eyes glow white, and he throws the hero (Scott Pilgrim) a half-mile straight upwards, through a psychic force of will.  See for yourself.

This is some heady shit I'm up against here.

When Scott (played capably by Michael Cera) lands in a heap in the alley, he tells his girlfriend, "If I peed my pants, could you just pretend I got wet from rain?" She replies, "It's not raining." ...Anyway, that could be ME if I'm not careful.

So last week, he comes into his office (which he lets me use sometimes) and blammo:  "Did you eat animal flesh in my office?"  I had just finished eating an individual-sized pepperoni pizza from Cosi.   My response below:

 Hm.  Is pepperoni considered flesh?  It is?  Oh.  Then I definitely consumed flesh in here.  It was delicious.  Pepperoni is a form of bacon, and bacon is the best food in the world.

Some day, I have no doubt, you will transcend this earth and rise unto the heavens where you will be greeted by angels who can see, on a cosmically crystal-clear level, how you eased the burden and lifted the spirits of those around you, and generally did What Was Right.  The trumpets will sound and honors will be bestowed upon you.

But then you'll be like, "Can I finally get some bacon?"  And they'll be all "No, we don't have bacon here.  If you wanted bacon, you should have eaten bacon down there.  I mean, you really should have, it's absolutely delicious."

And you'll be all like "Fuck."

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