Makin' It

I'm kind of ashamed of my finances.   I should be saving more.  I buy too many toys and spend too much on needless shit.   I fear my friends are saving WAY more than I am.  Plus, I gotta think about retirement and college accounts and all that.

It's not that I'm not saving anything, but I'm probably not saving as much as I could.   That's why I'm ashamed.

But it's all good.  I'm pretty sure 80% of my friends feel this way, too.  We're the demographic that frets over this sort of thing.  We're Makin' It.

Makin' It.
As far as I can tell, people fall into one of several demographics: Children, Students, Paycheck-to-Paycheck, Makin' It, and Have It.

My Co-Workers: the Makin' It Demographic

I'm in the Makin' It class, which is roughly comprised of people who can afford to purchase a luxury car, or some other large-ish indulgence -- but will wince a bit doing it, because there are far better things for them to be spending money upon.

We have career plans and debate the merits of Masters degrees: either lusting after them, as a faux blue ribbon on our resumes, or resenting them as a faux blue ribbon on other people's resumes.  We save.  We dabble in the stock market.  We have 401Ks and retirement plans and SEPs and Roth IRAs.   Sometimes we spring for Brooks Brothers no-iron shirts.   We fret about buying a house, or adding an addition to our house, or upgrading to a bigger house, even though we can't afford it quite yet.

...And we occasionally assess our total assets and think, "Shit, really?  Is that it?  Well...I guess if I count the house...that's something."

I someday hope to transfer to the Have It class, although I'm not quite sure how the hell that happens.  But for now, I'm happily in the Makin' It category.

Theme Song
Now, most of you know that each class has its own theme song.  For example, the working-class  Midwestern demographic fawns over Bruce Springsteen's Born to Run.   The former-varsity-football-playing overweight insurance salesmen demographic favors Bruce Springsteen's Glory Days.   (Note: Bruce Springsteen's songs are disproportionately reflected in demographic theme songs; sociologists cannot agree upon why.)

My demographic's theme is obvious:  The eponymous Makin' It, by David Naughton.  This song totally "gets" my cohort.  Plus, it has an awesome disco vibe, of which we unanimously approve.

This song was so awesome that it spurred its own television series, which ran for seventeen years.  Fun fact:  Makin' It is the only show to be nominated for an Emmy in the Primetime and Documentary categories.

Seriously, if you know any corporate executives, ask them and they will gaily confirm that many meetings start off with Makin' It playing on a Tivoli desk speaker.  We hum it to ourselves in Starbucks, and sometimes they play it over the loudspeaker.   We're climbin' the ladda.

Earlier today,  I passed by my colleague Jasmie, emerging from her big business presentation and I high-fived her:   An executive had nodded and smiled during her conclusion slide-- a sure sign of office success.  Jasmine is Makin' it. 

Academic Underpinnings

Even before joining the corporate workforce, some of you learned this song in corporate-minded undergraduate business and engineering schools.  Others, no doubt, ran across it in MBA programs, where verse memorization is often required.

This is more common in MBA programs than many people realize.  They certainly covered it when I got my MBA at Duke. I happen to know that the Harvard and MIT MBA programs require memorization as well.  A dear friend of mind (who does Data Warehousing at Akamai) is getting his MBA at Chicago (Booth), and expressed surprise at how much this song was reflected in its general curriculum.

The Lyrics of Makin' It
Okay, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just going to put the words to the song right here.  Obviously, people who already know the lyrics can skip this section.  However, it's worth a read for the rest of you.  This is the voice that speaks for my demographic.

Makin' it ooh...Makin' it
I´m solid gold, I´ve got the goods
They stand when I walk through the neighborhoods  
I´m makin' it, I´ve got the chance, I´m takin´ it, no more
.. no more fakin´ it, this time in life I´m makin´ it ooh makin´ it
Hello Uptown, Goodbye Poverty
The Top of the ladder is waiting for me
I´m makin´ it, I´ve got the chance, I´m takin´ it no more
No more fakin´ it, this time in life, I´m makin´ it, ooh
Makin´ it, Makin´ it
Listen everyone here, this coming year´s gonna be my year
I´m as fast as they come, number two to no one, I´ve got looks
I´ve got brains and I´m breakin´ these chains, make some room now
Dig what you see, success is mine, ´cause I´ve got the key
I´m makin´ it, I´m makin´ it, I´ve got the chance, I´m takin´ it no more
No more fakin´ it, this time in life, I´m makin´ it , ooh makin´ it, non stop, 
Makin´ it to the top... Makin´ it ...this time in life I´m makin´ it
Makin' it...I´m makin' it ..Makin' it....I'm makin' it
Listen Everyone here...This coming year's gonna be my year
I´m makin' it...I´ve got the chance I'm takin it in ...no more...no more
Makin' it, this time in life I'm makin' it..ooh...I'm makin' it...non stop...
I'm here...I'm here...Makin' it...to the top...ahh .. ahh..
Makin' it....non stop....right here...right now

Even when judged by contemporary lyric-writing standards, this song is a masterpiece.  Observe how "makin' it" rhymes with both "...chance, I'm takin' it" and with "no more fakin' it."  Sheer brilliance.

Word From the Boardroom
I know this might seem a bit odd, if this is the first time you're hearing about this.  I mean, people from other cultures sometimes think the Easter Bunny and Santa are a bit bizarre.  This is kind of like that.

So don't take my word for it; let's see what other people are saying.  My co-workers, the other people Makin' It.   Let's hear their tales, about how this year is going to be their year.  Are they as fast as they come?  Are they second to no one?   Let's find out:

For the last time:  I don't.  Know what.  You're talking about.  Please get out of my office.

Kate C., Senior Director

Awesome!  You go Kate -- the sky's the limit!

Yes, I remember that song.  I detest that song.

Kathryn P., Sr. Manager

Yeah Kathryn, you said it!  That corner office is as good as yours.

 Seriously, Brett, this is bordering on a behavioral disorder.

Clint H., Principal Analyst

Haaa!  Word to that, Clint.  You're on your way to the top!

Anyway, it's understandable that we all think Makin' It is our own personal theme song.  But, the truth is, everybody's really Makin' It, so it's all cool.  If someone happens to burst into song a few more times than someone else at work, or maybe if somebody plays the song a little louder in their cubicle, because they landed that big presentation, s'cool.  It's all cool.

Props: The Onion

Anybody with whom I interact learns pretty quickly that I love the Onion.  I quote the Onion all the time, I honestly can't help it.  They've  been consistently hysterical for fifteen goddamn years.  I have NO idea how they do it without being formulaic, but it's always an absolute riot.

But what's more amazing is how close they are to the TRUTH.  Like, they predict events that actually happen.  Here's one mocking Gillette's release of ever-more blades:  Fuck Everything,  We're Doing Five Blades.

Many articles were written a few years later, when Gillete did go to five blades.  Check it out on BoingBoing (link).

Be Prepared For Brett To Cite The Onion
Anyway, I'm going to cite the Onion now and then, because it's absolutely awesome.  Here are two gems from their Point-Counterpoint, where they thoughtfully consider both sides of complex modern issues.   (Both are 10 years old -- their new stuff is, if anything, even better.)

Enjoy!  -Brett


Point Counterpoint:  Personal Computing

Point:  My Computer Totally Hates Me!

Counterpoint: God Do I Hate That Bitch

Point Counterpoint:  NASA Funding

Point:  According to the Economist, NASA is an Industrial Subsidy In Disguise

Counterpoint:  Ooh, Look At Me, I Read The Economist!

Three Card Monte

This post is about a wise man of our time, John Hodgman.  His book, The Area of My Expertise, is arguably one of the seminal works of the last twenty years.  It's just amazing.

And one of the things he exposes is the Art of the Con.  How people really get financially taken in schemes.  He describes the classic con.  The one used to great effect by a considerable number of con-men over the past hundred years and even today.  You might know if it:  The Three Card Monte.

Here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to read alongside you, as you read what he wrote, and just kind of comment on it / marvel at it.

Because the text is black and white, I will switch to orange, to make it easy to see when it's him and when it's me.

WHOA!  This is good.  This is totally just like I thought it would happen.  

Okay, I'm skipping ahead a bit, as the con-woman builds rapport with the mark.  It's kind of drawn out.

Hm.  I did not think is how that con normally went down.

I definitely did not think this is how that con went down.

I skipped ahead a bit more.  Aw, screw it, I'm skipping to the end.

Ah!  Yes!  Now that I really think about it, I guess that probably is how it normally went down.  It's cool to have it explained to you.

It's like, now you know, ya know?

Vegan v. Bacon

I have a friend who is the epitome of a positive lifestyle.  He boxes, in great shape, very environmentally sensitive and quite zen. He claims to love everybody, and I think he actually both means it and does.  It's fascinating.

Anyway, I adore this guy-- everybody does.  Yet sadly, he's a Vegan.  And he lets us know it.  (I seem to recall that he THINKS he's quite subtle.  That makes it doubly bad.)  

But I do not shy from a battle!  ...even one where I obviously do NOT have the moral high ground, by any stretch of the imagination.  

For those of you familiar with the movie Scott Pilgrim Versus The World, you know the stakes are high.  Vegans get Vegan Edge, just as portrayed (100% accurately) in said movie and documented by many reputable scientific studies (including here, here and here).

In this movie, the protagonist has to fight a  bad-guy Vegan, and it gives said baddie psychic powers.  The enemy's girlfriend actually SAYS what all non-Vegans think/fear:   "Being Vegan just means that you're better than most people."  The enemy Vegan in the movie adds "Bingo", his eyes glow white, and he throws the hero (Scott Pilgrim) a half-mile straight upwards, through a psychic force of will.  See for yourself.

This is some heady shit I'm up against here.

When Scott (played capably by Michael Cera) lands in a heap in the alley, he tells his girlfriend, "If I peed my pants, could you just pretend I got wet from rain?" She replies, "It's not raining." ...Anyway, that could be ME if I'm not careful.

So last week, he comes into his office (which he lets me use sometimes) and blammo:  "Did you eat animal flesh in my office?"  I had just finished eating an individual-sized pepperoni pizza from Cosi.   My response below:

 Hm.  Is pepperoni considered flesh?  It is?  Oh.  Then I definitely consumed flesh in here.  It was delicious.  Pepperoni is a form of bacon, and bacon is the best food in the world.
 
Some day, I have no doubt, you will transcend this earth and rise unto the heavens where you will be greeted by angels who can see, on a cosmically crystal-clear level, how you eased the burden and lifted the spirits of those around you, and generally did What Was Right.  The trumpets will sound and honors will be bestowed upon you.

But then you'll be like, "Can I finally get some bacon?"  And they'll be all "No, we don't have bacon here.  If you wanted bacon, you should have eaten bacon down there.  I mean, you really should have, it's absolutely delicious."

And you'll be all like "Fuck."

Awesome Links!

Note from graphic designer:  Yes, I know that's an 'At' sign, which is more appropriate for a blog entry about emails, rather than one about links.  Links don't really use the 'At' sign, I get that. But seriously, what symbol would work?  A cobweb?  Maybe a computer?  A chain link?   You're judging me, aren't you?  Hey, if you don't like my image selection, then you can go screw.  I'm doing the best I can.  I don't deserve this. 

Shut Up!  Jesus.  Somebody seriously needs to talk to the guy who makes these images.  He totally wrecked the mood.  I don't think it's even worth doing a story now.  Just forget it, go surf porn or reddit or whatever.

No, wait.   Wait.

I'm back.  I can do this.   It just shook me up for a minute there.  S'cool.

So here are are some cool links.  They're at least worth clicking on so you can silently judge me and how shitty my tastes are that I was ensnared by such vapid clickbait.

Cool things I've read online lately: 

Deepest Hole!  BTW, the story of how far we've dug into the earth is absolutely fascinating.  The deepest hole, I've learned, was only seven miles deep.   Drive seven miles from Boston, and -- well, depending upon where you started, you might not technically have left the city yet.  Go that far down and you're at the bottom of the deepest hole.  

To get to the middle of the Earth, you'd have to go from Boston to San Francisco, and then drive another thousand miles after THAT.  ..And so far, we've gotten to Cambridge MA.  To wit, we haven't been ANYWHERE underneath the Earth.   (BTW, it got too mushy to continue drilling, and crazy hot, which is why they stopped.)

Check it out:  http://www.damninteresting.com/the-deepest-hole/
 
Warning:  If you're interested, please follow that link.  ...Do NOT Google the term "Deepest Hole," or else it will end in tears, all right?    (...For those of you who didn't get the joke, Deepest Hole is also a rather lurid type of porn.)

Online Scale Model of the Goddamn Solar System 
This site takes you on a truly intimate journey of the solar system.  Amazingly well done.  This needs to be nominated for an award or something.  It shows you just how vast space is, between the Sun and Mercury ...and then continues all the way out to Pluto!  AND IT'S ALL TO SCALE (with a lot of horizontal scrolling which is AMAZINGLY EFFECTIVE as an analogy for distance).  

And then it's overlaid with wonderful writing, starting out with inviting lines like "It sure is empty out here." as you scroll and then chimes in every now and then, as you "journey" outward by scrolling right.

Here is the link:  http://joshworth.com/dev/pixelspace/pixelspace_solarsystem.html

Persuading Mike to get Skype

Years and years ago, I persuaded and cajoled and wheedled and begged my friend Brendan to install Skype, so we could chat at work.

Nothing doing; Brendan would have no part of it.  He thought it was intrusive; perhaps he thought his work would suffer; perhaps he feared change.

After about four years of constant nagging, he finally joined the goddamned 21st century.  And he LOVES it.  We don't Skype constantly or anything, but every few days we chat over it.  It's a great way to stay in touch.  My hard work paid off for me, and for my friend.  I can only assume that he realizes the sacrifice I made for him.

Today, I face a far greater challenge:  My techno-phobe friend Mike, armed with his Radio Shack cassette-driven answering machine, and his unhealthy aversion to any technology younger than the last Mike & The Mechanics album.  Can I convince Mike to do the same -- to sign up for Skype?  Am I starting down another long road of persuasion and cajoling and wheedling and begging, just so that Mike can do something that most people figured out years ago, and which he'll most assuredly conclude in retrospect is (a) quite nice, and (b) not really a big deal at all?   Perhaps so.  But I am willing to take that risk.  For Mike.  For our friendship.

This email will chronicle every email I send to Mike until he finally relents and installs Skype.

Email 1:  Direct

Mike, Install Skype, dammit. - Brett

Email 2: Faux Static

Miek, I _m havg trou l w*th ths conne*on.  Stat*c 0n the IntErnet, I th*nk. Dwnl0ad Skype, it's m*ch easr to spk on Skype - Brt

Email 3: Emergency

Mike! You are in grave danger!  Visit this link and do what it says at once, I'll explain later.      http://www.skype.com/intl/en-us/get-skype/on-your-computer/windows/ They will arrive at your office any moment now, and all will be lost!   Do it before it's too late!  Quick, there's no time to think!! - Brett

Email 4: Shame

Mike, Technology is changing the world.  If you're going to be a success in your career, you've got to keep up with the latest technologies.  I'm serious!  I don't necessarily like texting, Twitter, Facebook, del.icio.us, etc. but I am comfortable with it all.  Your brain will get brittle if you can't deal with change.  You owe it to yourself and your future to install Skype now.  - Brett

Email 5:  Mocking

Mike, I got your note about "potential aggravation" of using Skype.  That's a good point. Given that you're in Bermuda, your IM's will be hand-delivered by an international operator, which can be a bit aggravating. Like so: 12:19pm Mike: Operator, please tell Brett that I'm hung over at work, and that FML. 12:21pm Operator:  I have conveyed the message. 12:22pm Operator: Sir?  I have a reply from Brett.  Shall I read it now? 12:22pm Mike:  Please. 12:22pm Operator:  He says 'LOL'. 12:23pm Mike:  Ah.  Please draft an immediate response of a single winky face.  Thank you. 12:23pm Operator:  Sent. Oh, wait, that's just some fantasy application that doesn't really exist.  Skype is just a normal IM client.  No aggravation. Pls install, thx. - Brett