That being said, I think that our understanding of who is bad, and why they are bad can use a bit of fine-tuning. We risk ruining the lives of a lot of generally good people by mis-categorizing them.
Meet Our Friends, The Fucking Idiots
Years ago, my wife and I had young kids (think 6 and 2 years old) and socialized with other couples with similarly young kids. One pair of friends, I'll call them Alexandra and Matt (true names hidden to protect their identity) would routinely bring their ill-behaved kids into restaurants and totally trash the place. Their kids would throw food -- whenever we left, food was scattered all around the table, all over the floor. Wet foods, too -- pastas and mashed potatoes sometimes ground into carpet. All left for the poor waiting staff (or whomever) to clean up.
My wife and I would intervene, struggling to contain the mess the best we could. We'd almost always split the bill evenly (which made sense -- four adults, four kids and all), but my wife and I would leave an out-sized tip for the waiting staff. I happen to know that our friends did not.
From the perspective of Alexandra and Matt, this was normal, expected, allowable. Everything was a-okay. We mentioned it to them a few times, and they were quite confident that this was fine. "Oh, don't worry about it! They deal with families with children all day, every day." ...And it's not like anybody ever called them out on their behavior. They thought that my wife and I were just uptight!
But it wasn't okay -- not by a longshot. I distinctly remember going into Bertuccis once (where we had been several times with these friends), and I saw the hostess clench her jaw at the sight of us. It was clear as day: jaw clenched.
That's a lot of grief to give. That's like a seemingly endless well of unpleasant evenings added to the society at large.
So here's the thing: They're not bad people. They're really not! Bill Maher would, in fact, classify them as "kale-eating liberals". Social justice types, responsible and almost certainly donating to NPR and active in the community.
They're not bad people. They're just fucking idiots.
Some of you might wince at use of the word "fucking," and (rightfully) wonder "Isn't it sufficient to say that they're just idiots, Brett?" And I think not. I'd say that if a person acts foolishly and there's no real harm, then they're idiots. But if a person's idiocy causes measurable hardship for others, then they are upgraded to fucking idiots. They are to be scorned, but only a little bit. I mean, I think.
Sexual Harassment: Predators vs. Sickos vs. Fucking Idiots
Okay, soooo... when it comes to the recent spate of sexual harassment claims, from my perspective, I see three totally different categories of people here.
(NOTE: The list of assaults continues and we very well find out MORE about the people I cite. Please know I can only go off of what we know as of right now - early December 2017. So if we find out that Al Franken had sex with his cat, please know that a change in category might certainly be warranted.)
Category 1: Predators.
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| Category 1: Predator |
Most often, these people have a long list of people they have wronged, did some really dark things (often involving women crying and/or protesting at the time), and they demonstrate zero desire to take any responsibility for what they did whatsoever -- clinging to the blatantly ridiculous story that somehow all of their accusers are lying.
Category 2: Sickos.
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| Category 2: Sickos |
Make no mistake, sickos still cause much emotional duress. But they give off less of a predatory vibe, and more of an uncontrolled libido vibe. They aren't out to hurt or dominate, they just can't control themselves -- and what they do is wildly inappropriate. I'd almost feel badly for them, if they weren't hurting those around them.
Category 3: Fucking Idiots
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| Category 3: Fucking Idiot |
I bet they thought what they did was okay enough, at that very moment. Observe that Louis C.K. did ask at least some of those women whether he could expose himself. Is that creepy as f*ck? Yes. You'd need to be a fucking idiot to not see that. Hence my point.
It is these people who will cause the rest of us so much anguish, because we often love these people. Observe Al Franken's female colleagues rushing to his defense, and Sarah Silverman's anguish at simultaneously loving Louis C.K. while acknowledging his terrible actions.
We love them because they are worthy of being loved. Because they have great good inside them. They're just fucking idiots.
How should we judge Fucking Idiots?
And so here's the rub (ugh, terrible choice of words): Most reasonable people agree that Donald Trump, Roy Moore, Harvey Weinsten and Kevin Spacey should rot in hell. And Anthony Weiner should rot in extended therapy.
But should we treat Fucking Idiots similarly? In my opinion, we should not.
Opinions vary greatly, but I'd say that if they:
1. Never did anything truly violent.
2. Totally own up to what they did.
3. Provide a truly sincere apology.
4. Promise to never do it again.
5. And (ideally) win the forgiveness of the people they wronged.
...then they should be provisionally forgiven, with the understanding that if they ever do it again, we will judge them far more harshly.
In my estimation, Louis CK and Al Franken have both met these particularly high standards. And so I'd say that Louis CK should continue to make us laugh. And Al Franken should continue being an excellent politician (and staunch defender of women's rights too, I might add).
Remember: Men Are Known To Act Like Idiots
There's another reason why I believe we must judge Fucking Idiots with a bit of clemency, and give them a chance to get back into our good graces. Because if not, we're permanently damning a huge chunk of the populace.
Women, please don't forget that men are prone to acting like idiots. We all see it in parenting, every day. Seriously, which parent would send their kids out without jackets? Which parent would feed them pizza every night, if they could get away with it? Which parent completely spaces on going to the dentist? It's this "broad view" of the social landscape that somehow most women possess naturally, and most guys totally miss. (OMG, another really poor choice of words: Broad View.)
Guys do stupid shit naturally. Whenever you see someone doing a wheelie on a motorcycle without a jacket or helmet on, or lighting their fart on fire, or tying a mattress to the roof of their car and then holding on to it with one arm out the window -- it's always a guy. Women are generally too smart for such nonsense.
For example, I once spotted a cartoon caricature that a female colleague had hanging in her cubicle. I did not know this woman at all. Yet one day, I said, "You know, your nose isn't really that big." On some cosmic level, I meant that as a compliment. Suffice to say, it wasn't interpreted that way. That's what I'm talking about. Men do stuff like that. We're idiots.
And men don't necessarily get any smarter when it comes to women and sex, either. We're going to do stupid things, and while I think it's imperative that we spell out what is okay and what's not, and to learn from our mistakes, please know that men are going to make mistakes. Knowing which mistakes are forgivable, and which are not, is really important.
All In All, This Is Great News
In conclusion, while I think these recent affairs have made a lot of us disappointed and/or squeamish, I do think that the over-arching narrative is really wonderful. We're growing up as a society!
Sarah Silverman put it wonderfully: “It’s good. It’s like cutting out tumors: it’s messy, and it’s complicated, and it is going to hurt, but it’s necessary and we’ll all be healthier for it."
Amen to that!
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